FIRST SIGN OF PAIN
It has taken me a while (10 years!) to finally start using the word “chronic” to describe my experience. Recently I’ve learned that it only takes 3 months for recurring pain to be labeled as chronic. It was at that moment that I realized it has been a whole decade since 2013, when I sat as an undergrad, a young 20-something, bright and full of budding potential, in the physical therapist’s office at my university, stretching my tight neck because of a sharp pain that had become a nightly occurrence.
At any other facility, you might see the full spectrum of injuries, ages, and stages of recovery. At the university, the younger age demographic meant that physical therapy patients were typically those recovering from sports injuries. Here I was, a dorky insecure computer engineering student with neck pain so bad I couldn’t sleep, surrounded by modern-day warriors tending to their battle wounds.
Although we were all in the same place for the same thing (physical healing), our journeys would be quite different. Though not always the case, sports injuries are relatively straightforward; blunt trauma causes an injury that, with care and attention, should heal within a few weeks or months if you’re lucky.
In a case like mine, years spent hunched over a computer had morphed my posture, and by extension my goals, self-confidence, and overall outlook on life. While mobility and strength-training exercises for my neck and back did help me feel momentarily better, my healing journey also required BIG changes; my lifestyle was unsustainable. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was my mind and body screaming for help the only way it could, via pain.
Fast forward ten years, and in that time I have collected a mini-swapmeet of items designed to relieve neck pain. I’m not exaggerating when I say I have spent over a thousand dollars in the last decade on pillows, traction and stretching devices, massages, and other ergonomic items to help alleviate my pain. It is only now that I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it looks very bright and colorful!
REFLECTIONS AND REALIZATIONS
So what changed? Why now after ten years can I finally start to move my neck freely without feeling like a wound-up rusty spring? The answer really deserves its own post, but the gist of it is that I made the big lifestyle changes I needed to make.
In 2018, after toughing it out for 5 more years in ComputerLand and feeling stressed out with my condition at its worst, my body screamed “STOP! NO MORE”. By then the sharpness had traveled down my arm into my pinkies and I physically couldn’t work on a computer without crying in pain after five minutes. If you know me well, you know I have a higher pain tolerance than most, so this was bad. My Mind had made up its mind (heh) and hired my Body to do its dirty work to send me fiery signals of pain. Feeling cornered and surrounded from all sides, I had no choice; I had to stop working and file for worker’s compensation. Back to physical therapy, I went.
There I was, at my breaking point.
In that doctor’s office, it had finally sunk in that my career in engineering really was unsustainable and so I started hatching a plan. By this point, I was already volunteering with animal conservation facilities, and it eventually clicked for me that I could be getting paid to do what I was already doing for free. All it needed was planning, determination, a bit of magic (luck), and lots of patience.
LESSONS LEARNED
My career transition, while loads of fun, was a long four years filled with uncertainty and self-doubt. It is only now as I reach the beginning of the end of this seemingly perpetual liminal state that I am finally feeling relief from my 10 years of chronic pain. Some would take the coincidence at face value, but to me, this is a clear sign that I am on the right path for myself. Like a ghost finding peace after haunting a house for decades, the Spirit within me can now rest as I settle into a new career (and life!) that fulfills and impassions me.
Looking back, it’s quite poetic that my pain started when it did, just as I was wrapping up my engineering degree and trying to join the workforce. I consider myself lucky that my body rang the alarm bells, even if I was too unaware to hear the message until years later. Despite this, I do think everything happened exactly how and when it was supposed to. Without my career in software, I would have never met my current bandmates (check out our indie-rock band, if that’s your thing) and I would have had a much harder time funding my education journey. The longer timeframe also enabled me to learn about and take advantage of various opportunities and fellowships only offered to students, which is a great starting point for a new career. Most importantly, I’ve met some really great friends that I would have likely never encountered had I pursued this journey years earlier.
TAKING THE PAIN AWAY
Okay, enough about my career stuff, what about the physical pain? That doesn’t just magically go away, right?
It does not go away overnight, no, and in fact, I am still feeling pain even as I write this, but I am feeling relief too. This is the light at the end of the tunnel I referenced earlier. I am still hurting but I can feel myself getting better. If you suffer from chronic pain, you have probably experienced the helplessness that comes with it. You try thing after thing, take suggestion after suggestion and nothing works. As cliche as it sounds, something has to change, and the answer lies within.
By listening to my Mind and Spirit, I was able to figure out how deeply unhappy I was, and what areas in my life needed changing.
By listening to my Body, I was able to determine what it physically needed to heal; physical therapy and massages felt good, while exercise and movement felt great. What felt amazing, though, was an apparently dirty little secret called cervical traction. I first experienced it in physical therapy just before the panini, but it’s tricky (and potentially dangerous, so don’t sue me) to do on your own. After trying various things like neck hammocks and cervical traction pillows with no luck, I came across this study, and after extensive research to make sure I knew the risks and best strategies, I decided to try this inflatable cervical traction pillow* that I bought years ago. (If you ever wish to try one of these, do it lying down so your muscles are relaxed. Don’t sit.)
Holy hell, I felt such relief that I felt like I was in a Chirp Wheel ad. By mindfully creating traction in my neck, I’ve experienced the deepest cracks I’ve ever felt, and I’m one of those weirdos that cracks everything. The increased blood flow and decreased tension in my neck made me realize just how much sensation and mobility I had been missing out on. Turning my neck now feels good and doesn’t hurt. Most importantly, with increased sensation comes increased awareness, and I can more easily tell when my neck is out of alignment or tensed up, helping me prevent the issue altogether.
With my increased mobility, I have a newfound pep in my step and I feel rejuvenated; my depression symptoms have even noticeably lessened! My posture has improved out of necessity, which is rewiring my brain to feel more confident and secure. In fact, I never would have had the follow-through to write and publish this post two months ago! I am looking forward to one day being pain-free and am feeling revitalized and ready for my next chapter.
Wishing everyone health, love, and happiness.
-Diane
*Disclaimer: This is not the exact pillow I have as I bought mine on Amazon. I have since stopped supporting and using Amazon and I encourage others to do the same.
The Spirit Oasis 